Reverse Rapture

I can remember exactly where I was when I came up with the concept of, and name for, what I call the “The Reverse Rapture.” It was sometime after 9 PM on a July evening in 2009. Even though I wasn’t keeping a journal back then, I can get close to the date based on a paragraph in an e-mail dated July 15 that I sent soon thereafter to one of my best friends.

I was the owner of a franchised business at the time. My one remaining store was in a 5-parcel strip center. I was doing what in the army was called “a police call” of the parking lot. Most days that I was at the shop I would pick up litter when I first arrived or after we had closed….or both.

I have always detested litter bugs. Why do these lazy, inconsiderate assholes think the planet is their trash can or ash tray??
That night, in addition to big gulp cups, empty aquafina bottles, and macdonald’s bags there was this trifecta of trash: (1) a soiled baby diaper; (2) a used condom; and (3) a truck tire.

I grumbled at the sight of the first; didn’t touch the second; and spewed a string of profanities when I spotted the third…words that I’ve never uttered in front of my parents. There is no doubt that I called these cretins “god damned mother fucking assholes” out loud, even though there was no one there to hear me.

As I was lugging the tire to the dumpster I flashed on it: my version of “the Reverse Rapture.” It has nothing to do with religious beliefs. It does not result in anybody being caught up in the clouds or in a fiery pit. I don’t know where shitheads would go. They’d just go away.

In the Christian rapture the “saved folks” vanish. They would be lots of car wrecks because of cars without drivers, planes without pilots, people waking up in their house as the only person left behind, yada yada.
The same thing would happen in my Reverse Rapture. The cretins dematerialize. Poof.
Here’s what I wrote in the 7/15/2009 e-mail: “it would be like the rapture, except people would look around and the people missing would all be cretins….churches wouldn’t be empty…prisons would be. pimp mobiles wouldn’t have drivers….and the offices of dewey, cheatum and how (and most other law firms) would be short a lot of people…” [Note: At that time I was in a legal battle with my greedhead franchisor. The Faux Cowboy and his scumbag lawyer were total cretins. Eventually my lawyer and I kicked their ass. 🙂 ]

I know this “Reverse Rapture” concept is very judgmental of me. Tough. Whether it’s my version or the biblical version, I’m a leftover….

Yeah, I know it’s a stretch for the litterbugs and those who routinely speed through red lights at busy intersections to get vaporized along with murderers, pedophiles, people who prey on the old and the sick, greedheads, gang bangers, wife beaters, ISIS, and flimflam men.

But I sure do like the sound of waking up one day on this big blue marble to a much smaller population, especially when those who vanished were the cretins.

Be. Just Be.
But don’t litter and don’t be a shithead.

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